I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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