i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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