Im at strip club and am horny
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
