Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize