In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
