Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
