Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
