Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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