umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
