I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
