Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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