Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
