Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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