Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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