I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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