There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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