Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
