My cat gives me a boner
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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