oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
