i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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