New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
