you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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