You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
