I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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