Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
