mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
