How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize