she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
