If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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