I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
