her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
