My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
