She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
