Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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