She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
