I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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