So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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