i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
