I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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