I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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