she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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