I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
