Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
