you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
