So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize