9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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