dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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