Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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