Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Randomize
