You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
