Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
