Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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