A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
