apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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