My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
