I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
