Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
