I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
