the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
